One Project At A Time!

I make a living with what I can do. It does not make much, but it is fueled with passion. little things that keep me busy, smoking meat, writing articles and publishing Tops + More, or writing in this blog to keep me from going nuts. I am a doer, practical and whenever needed to build I am that person. Stubborn too and many can attest to that, but if I am ever grateful, it is the very fact, that my office, my work is anywhere, hence the freedom to pick a spot on an island paradise. Go figure, you are what you make of it!

Unconditional....

The word itself means a lot if used to share emotion. I write this for what I believe is what I am getting (unconditional) love from my wife. You see, I feel I have failed in many attempts to find success. Reality is I put forward material over emotion over the years. My failure is not that I don't love enough, but the lack of my support over the years making me feel this way. I have lost financial footing, broke sweat and tears only to see my returns were slower than the cost of doing business. In the process, I forgot who stood by me most when I crashed. It was my wife who was always there.

It is unconditional love when she says, "we will sacrifice for you to go back to school and get your degree." Her words exactly and now I am afraid, not afraid to face the classroom, but afraid to fail as its been over 20 years since setting foot in a classroom and being taught by an instructor.

Deep breaths, feeling woozy at times, but I know she meant well with her support for me. She wants me to succeed and said, "at least then, I will not be passed over because of lack of intelligence and a document supporting that intelligence." She is right!

It is unconditional love to know that she will carry the family when I don't make ends meet to fulfill my education. She holds a masters and is pursuing her doctorate. I am just starting off for my BA this August 11, 2014, and 4 years from now with about 160 plus credits, I hope to walk the aisle with my head up high and looking for that beauty that has unconditional love, courage and patience to put me back in school.

Boni, I love you unconditionally!

Has it been that long?

Where do I start? Where did I leave off my last post?  Well I guess we can begin where I feel I jumped off the blogspot bandwagon. 

I guess to take the many months past, the significant change is a sour one to add. Sour in that one of businesses suffered and hemorrhaged while the other (smaller income) is stuttering to keep both businesses afloat. 

I put in anywhere from 10-18 hour days now and I find myself exhausted and aging faster than I can count my days, hours, minutes!

Times are changing.  In my own sentiment I wish time stood still.  And if it did where would I have stopped it-to relive it. That'll be another post someday.

Going back anf redirecting my brain to why I started writing this post. Its hard to be self employed.  Any issues with the businesses it is my responsibility to find a solution.  But truly it's tiring me out.

What does the future hold for the many islanders?  Are we plagued with a disease that haunts us, the economy?  While tourism is up it's rather unfortunate that businesses who reap the benefits are monopolized.

Dang I'm jumping in a variety of thought.  I am exhausted and will come back to writing this post to its entirety.

A few words spoken

He does not say much, but I know deep down inside his heart is full of love.

Weeks is what I had with him. Time is limited yet valuable to the situation.  He leaves for the Navy and I will surely miss him, my son Donovan.

I know you will fair well. You are strong, smart and fit. Your future holds no boundaries.  And the sky is the limit.  While out there please remember me as I always will do the same.

Be the boy I know who smiles and laughs genuinely without reservation.  Be the boy I know who cares so much for others other than himself.  Now be the man who believes he can make a difference. 

You go Donovan.  We are already proud if you. You should be proud of yourself as well. Much love from us back home.

Family is everything

 I'd Sacrifice All that I am for my Family!


They make me laugh, they make me smile, they make me angry at times and sad as well, but that is life that everyone endures it, but shared most in our household is the love for each other. The kindness and opened hearts that are seen freely within the halls, the rooms and walls that hold our secrets.

My family has become the pinnacle of feelings and emotions that coarse through my veins. the very root of expressing what is felt each day.

My wife Boni has taught me so much in the last 5 years together. She inspires me to to better, be a better father to our children, step up to making best choices for our children and more importantly she has taught me to love without hesitation, to love with conviction, to love with genuine honesty.

Boni is the stronghold of our family. no matter how I may look at situations, its her guidance with the soft heart that makes any day a better day.

She is loved and cherished by our children and of course my love for her is more than I have ever imagined. She is perfect in my eyes and that is why I married this woman to share my remaining years on earth.

Tops +More 6th issue

CNMI has many things to be thankful for. The people that make a difference, the season of giving is upon us and all the while, we are in spirit of good.

Tops + More brings you our 6th issue making yet another seasonal publication hit the CNMI. from foods to stories that make our CNMI whole, we at Bison Relations express our heartfelt appreciation to our clientele as well to our advertisers who keep this publication moving forward.

We bid you all good reading!

Tops + More 6th Issue

FORGIVENESS

Marriage Encounter truly is a blessing in disguise!

Learning about anger and forgiveness has opened my heart and mind to the variations of feelings that I would not have known if not for Marriage Encounter's Steeper STEPS program. The best thing about it is its free and you only need to commit to the days and time required to complete it.

I can tell you it taught me more that I can imagine.  The bible parables, movies to watch and books to read truly had an impact on how I view people and their actions towards me and with themselves.

Sometimes you feel sad when going through these phases of life, but how can you not forgive? How can you not say "I forgive you?" without truly closing the hatch and leaving it behind. Hmm, that is for you too find out, but for now, I am still going through the Steeper STEPS and loving it!

Our CNMI Worldwide Marriage Encounter offers more than just a weekend, it allows you to explore your marriage deeper than just saying I DO! It isn't built to fix broken marriages, but enhance what is beautiful and good to making even greater. I am all for M.E. and you should too!

I Forgive You!

Last Saturday, in the wee morning hours, my truck that was out for sale was broken into.  Shattered glass everywhere, scattered paper and emptied compartments looked as if a tornado formed inside the truck and devastated the look and feel of what I had built for comfort.

These thieves who took off with not only my pride and other valuables, but also took my security in that our island home offered many years ago. The security in which our safety was not even an issue, you left things unlocked and with trust beholding upon every man, woman and child in the Commonwealth, we were safe.

What is it with these thieves, I only can ask god that he have pity on their souls come salvation. What you took and what you damaged is only but material and I forgive you. May you see better times in your life and find the goodness in your heart to look beyond yourself and give penance for your sins.

I leave this ordeal with a clear heart and surprisingly, from what I have learned, I feel good about myself.  Thank you lord to ensuring your teachings are made available for your common man.

To my Father - Benny Koyama Pangelinan

Treasured Moments - The love you gave so willingly

 Father, dad... I miss you! As I sit and write on this day, our day, I recall the memories of the love and laughter we had shared throughout the years.

I know we have not been the best of friends, we separated and have become incognizant to what's more important in our lives, that is the time we have lost. When I write this, I am tearing, only because I only wanted more from you. I wanted a relationship that we could share openly, but maybe this is what our lord played out for us. It is no wonder that I have become the man I am, so giving, so trusting, let alone eager to share my life with those that I hold close to my heart. I can see now that the I have learned this from you.

I miss you dad, and although you are thousands of miles away, I know you are thinking of me as I am thinking of you on this day. You cannot imagine how grateful I am for all that you have done to showing me, teaching me life, although you stepped back and watch me fall and pick myself up, you never really stayed too far.

My memory recalls a particular moment, I believe I was 3-4 years old. We spent a family day at the beach, Royal Taga beach, I was too afraid to get in the water, but you followed me down despite the blazing heat, you sat on the shore and with your legs made a protective barrier, a pool for me to swim in. I remember enjoying enjoying myself only because I felt safe. You sheltered me from my fears, you did that not just for me, but for all my siblings. I thank you for that.

My dear father, I am sorry for not being there for you as well. I am sorry for not being the son who lived up to your expectations, but know this, the traits you have instilled in me has made me who I am today. There is no doubt in my mind that your influence gave me the motivation and determination I needed to move and progress in this world. The passion to care and love my family and the patience to understand the things around me.

Dad, I love you and I wish you could see this, and maybe one day, I hope sooner than later, we may strengthen our bonds and share what we have missed over the years.

 Your son,

 Wayne

Sometimes When...

There are times when you feel so alone. Even with loving family and friends, it is this unwarranted feeling that takes over. I guess you call it depression.  But mine doesn't stick so I say it's just a like being an outcast (for a while). Not knowing where you belong, how to fit in.

I want to write more, but I can't seem to get a handle on things today - as of now so to speak. Ughhh.  Another time then...

Curve Balls are Awesome!

Almost 4 years ago, I met her, she is awesome, beautiful, and intelligent. Who would have known that I was thrown a curve ball in life, usually I would strike out, but this was for sure a home run!

Year after year we build a strong and communicable relationship. Of course we had several bumps along the way, but I'd have to admit, as we age, I see her beauty come to perfection.

She will be celebrating her birthday two days from now. She wants nothing, but relaxation, I respect that knowing how hard she works, she deserves it!

         Dearest Honey:



It has been and will continue to be the greatest love I share with you. you are a remarkable person and I see you for the person you truly are. You share your love easily, you build up the man that I am, you treasure moments with our children, your kind and unselfish, your intelligent and by all means extremely beautiful and sexy.


As we grow together, know that I only wish for a lasting marriage. Our efforts and initiative to making this happen with that we are doing is working and without it, things would be rather different. I give my love to you knowing I get it in return ten folds. There is no doubt we were meant for each other.

Yes you Honey, I love you!

I love you more each day, your hubby,


Wayne

Moments like these are my treasure...

The early Sunday morn, January 29, 2012 - I turn 37 years old. Boni wakes and hugs me saying "happy birthday honey", I turn to her side, snug my face underneath her neck and chin and reply with the word thanks. She says she is going to brew coffee, my initial response was yes, I need that. Time to get up, face the day, a day I usually dread, but since with Boni, she has made my birthdays extraordinarily significant.

Well, it isn't a day I usually celebrate, for many reasons, I choose not too, its actually a depressing day for most of my life, again, until Boni has come into my life, things have definitely changed. I am grateful!

Ok, the day was planned by my wife, she had a lunch date with the family, made apple pie (mmm-mmm my favorite), dinner with people we love at home with home cooked meals, again something I enjoy much- cooking.

She was lovely, she took everything slow and showed me the caring and loving woman she is. She teaches the children on our outing about behavior and eating properly to feed based on needed nutrition. Her intent as with mine is to develop a healthier living habit for our children they can carry on in their lives. I support that and I dive in following the educational path we are to expose and instill in their young minds. We love them and this is why we do it.

In general, birthday blessings come from the heart and my family has shown just that. My father sends his best wishes, so does my siblings, my in-laws shared a moment at dinner making my day a special one to remember, my children state their love for me and I feel it - a true feeling can be felt even if words aren't spoken, my wife and her endearing qualities makes my worst days great! As such, my birthday is a hit each year since we have joined in union for and with our love and affection, I could not have asked for better moments like this.

Taken aback, my brother, Gerry sends me scanned photos of my past, well you can see for yourself, the children with me are Donny and Jayvier, little toddlers that have a whole lot ahead of them, if only they can concentrate..hahahha...Other photos were of the evening in sharing, oh how I love family time!

Our weekend was filled with activity, Nan and I went to celebrate her birthday at Hyatt, a father-daughter retreat, Saturday was a rest day, run a few errands and spend QT, Sunday my B-day and happiness from a great lunch at Mariana Resort & Spa to home cooked dinner celebration with the people I love. Wifey had her siblings at home for some great talks and family QT. Loving hugs and kisses from my daughters who came back fromt heir weekend with their dad.  Hope, Peyton and Sommer. Hope gave me yet another precious gift. I love my children. Ah yes, my son who is thousands of miles away sends his greeting via FB, such thoughtful children.

Got more greeting messages from my father, sisters, brothers and mom, such a lovely weekend and I would not trade that for anything. Hmmm, well-yeah nothing!

Reyes Familia sharing QT, Burrrrr! it was cold, but everyone was fashionably cool about it! Love them so much! 

Daddy and Som-som, I actually asked her what should I wish for, she said "good health for everyone" smart young lady!

Teenager, Wayannie blows her candle, I should have stepped in the photo as she asked me too, but I was busy taking it! Nevertheless she knows I love her. Hey wait, she had three cakes for her early b-day celebration... hmmmm so not fair! hahahha. Happy b-day Sweety!

Oh boy, brother Gerry sends these photos below, my past as a young father, still trying to get my footing on raising children, wait I still am... hahahaha, but now I have the greatest of partners in this, my wife. In this photo, Donny on my right and Jay on my left.

I dont remember this time zone, but I think I was still in High School and without children, gosh this is truly a flashback!

Boni would not have noticed my good looks and charm back then.... Ahem Nope she would have! hahahhaa!

Even further back! Auntie Beck and Auntie Mary are surrounded by myself and Pangelinan cousins.

Home sweet home, Susupe visit to the family. That's Donny with me! grumpy as usual. Sorry son, I had to post this! You'll thank me later when I'm gone.

Open it up, he is so excited can't you see.  hahahaha!

2011 had its challenges and successes

Its kinda late when I started to think about how was 2011 for me in general. My optimism gave my highs and depression gave my lows, but I'd say, my ratio of highs vs. lows was probably an 80-20.

Interesting enough, I remember mostly my lows. Hmmm, why is that? is it because it had a great, significant impact on how I felt whether it'd be for a day or carried and lingering for a week or so? Not sure exactly, so I could say 2011 was pretty awesome despite what I can remember.

I guess as a father, I have practiced so much into ensuring I show more love physically towards my wife and children. A time to refresh my memory of how this all transpired puts me right now at a high...

Boni and I went through scream free parenting and marriage encounter in 2010, and practicing what I've learned took some time. Reaping the benefits surely was seen in 2011. I could never imagined that using tools to build my undivided love and attention for my family has made everything all worthwhile and happiness is seen throughout my glow in life as it is today.  I feel an overwhelming feeling of joy, as such that I can relate to is the smell of a new car, its distinct aroma of scented chemicals that inspire a man's ego of accomplishment. A taste of strong coffee in morning where you say to yourself you just need it to make your day great, or that spicy pepper that makes food taste immaculate. It is that feeling of the morning sun as it rises from the horizon knowing a beautiful day is expected and you turn to the family and say let's go out, the beach, around the island, an activity where smiles and laughter give you the pleasantries of knowing you are doing great as a parent, as a father. What more can be expected as 2011 closed its doors for me on a happy note.

My challenges were that of finances.  Well who doesn't have that in their lives. I won't dwell too much on it, as with living and revolving around finance, all you can do is wake each day and pray that what you do counts to making a difference for yourself and for those around you. You see, my intentions to build my family up comes first. Then my extended family is my employees, they too are as important in my life. Sometimes I feel like the godfather, except with no Italian mob accent, maybe I should start practicing and be called the "DON". Nevertheless, each to their own lingers in my mind, but if I can help to steer them and assist in helping them find the fruits of labor in their lives, then that too is an accomplishment, yet finance challenges stick around for the long haul and I must ensure that making and taking the right choices will benefit myself, my family and everyone around me.

Successes is depended on how you feel about the accomplishment whether big or small. I'd say I have had many successes in 2011. But that did not come without support from my wife and others and the love for what I do. I am a person who is motivated by an idea. Never giving up on what I believe is possible drives me to engage into new challenges. I take stride each time I face an idea to see whether I can make this work and whether it be something that will benefit the community.

Tops + More magazine and Charcoal BBQ paved way for new income for Bison Relations, my partnership with my fellow employees make this a worthwhile venture knowing full well we are doing what we all do best and enjoy. Hence, we all strive for challenges.

As for parenting, it has its greatest pleasures. The love we share, communication (which can be improved more), my patience and understanding indicates that we will all be fine. Our journey into a peaceful lifestyle will only enhance each and everyone of us. My life is full and 2011 has been good to me.

OK, so I'm losing weight...

My wife posted a comment on FB about my lost of weight. She intentionally made a statement to ask "so what" and I agree with her. Ok so I'm losing weight and some say I'm on drugs and using some rapid lose weight pills, and that's a laugh to begin with.

NO! I am eating better, portioning foods for what I need to burn calories, staying away from junk food and picking up oranges, apples, pears, melons and plenty of water. I guess this works for me as for others it may not.

So in essence, yes I am losing weight, but that's for my benefit - my personal goal of longevity in life for my family. I will do what is necessary to maintain I live long enough to share valuable memories and build them as well.

For too long, I've neglected my health, now that I am eating right and lost the weight, its time to turn into other healthy living standards such as the removal of bad habitual practices. Ughh! yes I do have my share of "bad" habits. One day at a time.

Funny how the word spread likes wildfire here in the Commonwealth, I guess its a good thing if its positive and dreadful if not.  Nevertheless, my clarifications on my weight lost is clear, no drugs, no pills.

She never ceases to amaze me

Something beautiful is seen each passing day with this woman. Something undeniably elegant, something that truly amazes me each day. It is the heart of a woman who cares, who loves, who truly commits herself to her family, her husband. A woman who sees no boundaries to love, a woman who feels pain and suffers hurt, but is destined to keep moving forward. She is truly amazing and this person is my wife, Boni.



I have longed to find someone with natural beauty inside and out, I cherish each day with her knowing I am fulfilled in many ways. Her endearing qualities surpass my expectations and for that, I am forever grateful to the lord for making our paths cross despite how it did come around. She is there, now, with me and she never ceases to amaze me.





She makes everyone smile. Last Halloween, she made goodies for our children that were brought to school to share. It was my first time to bring something to Wade as that is not something usually done on my part. I was overwhelmed with feelings that are difficult to describe, yet I know it meant the world to me. She made him smile even though she wasn't there to see his joy and happiness. you cannot purchase such love as genuine as what she puts out and in return, I love her the same way if not more.

Its Just Feelings...

Feelings are neither right or wrong, its the actions that define whether its the right or wrong, its the choice made to act - Thats it!

I have sensed something that depressed me, but nothing that I could have done anything to prevent it, yet, it bothers me deeply. People's actions and words have a  significant impact on people themselves, let alone we don't feel it right away, sometimes, but its there.

Now I am telling myself to get out of this rut and start looking at the more positive things in life. Time to do so, no time to waste...

Way too long!

Yes, it's been way too long since I've last posted. It has been a months in progress and turning of events that have defined the company - BISON Relations.

It's relentless demands and innovative means to placing our mark, a niche in which we have built is now on its way - alive and breathing.

Nevertheless, I should have not undermined my blog. For months I have thought about getting on and placing an update, but realistically, I was challenged. Two magazines  and many projects later, I am back!

Mothers Day for a Special Someone... Love Letter

Dearest Honey:

Another year comes before us as we had recently celebrated our anniversary, but today marks you holiday, your special day, your mothers day in our home and in our hearts.

You are the rock that holds us in place, you endure all emotions, you have shown us ways to love more and for that I am sure the children and I are forever grateful.  The life we share has its up and downs, but that's our life together, the more we share with each other, the more I can't live without you. You see, at any day of the year, I celebrate my love for you and on this day-Mothers Day- the world celebrates for you too.

Your qualities as a woman, a mother is the wow factor! I only saw this more as my life with you pushes day by day and I am more impressed with who I have in my life to love. You are beautiful all around and from me, you take my every breath.

Boni, honey, love, friend, partner, I love you. Happy Mothers Day baby!

Love your hubby,

Wayne

NMI ET - Online commentators become critics of life, justice, economy, politics...

Entertainment tonight from the CNMI captures yet another headline story featuring the NMI leaders, the business person of the year, rapist/sex offenders released at minimal charges and of the course, government in shambles: asserting a trim down government- payless paydays!

To the critic, its perfectly fine to become the critic you are, but one must consider what have you done to make change in the CNMI? What have you contributed to sit idle in the comfort of your office chair or home and dictate or judge others actions. Lets take a look at the Marine Monument. At one point everyone thought of the project as opportunity, the lawmakers were being Shepperd in to believe its good considering an approval was necessary, but not that you think of, I for one am glad it took the course it did. More time was allotted to think about the issue, I am not saying I am against the monument, but I realize that the lawmakers had a point to make, had an issue to be thought out and sure enough there were more issues than one. Nevertheless, the negotiation was needed to get our statement across, Thanks to Angelo and Laurie and everyone else as well our lawmakers for ensuring that we did not just lose everything, but at least something to gain.

Today we have a monument, etched in the books of Congress, whats next?  Then you have the inflated government, I don't disagree with the comments that get in stating the government is fat and needs to be trimmed, but where would you start? I wonder if those critics are working for the government and whether they realize what could possibly happen to their employment if any. Can the private sector pull the weight of 4K plus employees? I don't think so. This is ir rational if the lawmakers think that the private can absorb such.

Food stamps, Lehap, HUD funds, there's so much out there. Alright, so the news is news, the reporting are either factual, opinionated or possibly baseless (yup, the worst news). Then again, the critics are horrid with some of their online comments.  I believe in speaking freely, I believe in choices, but to degrade and place showmanship of what you feel you know versus that of any actions, in my opinion is hypocritical.

I don't know why I wrote this, but I think its has been weeks from reading online comments on the Variety that has got me feeling disgusted by some comments.  Everyone seems to be a theorist, a know it all, scientist if you will.

Time is ever more so precious!

A photo captures time, the emotion, the composure of oneself at that very moment..Click! and thats it, a lifetime of memories that can be carried throughout time and even long after you leave this life. Time, it is the only thing we can never get back, so why squander on it, live and use it knowing you cannot ever come back to reclaim what was lost with time.

Younger in years, I recall how I wanted to be a grown man, fending for myself and making the choices. This was  more than 25 years ago. I felt that my parents held me back for nothing, but then again, it was my safety that they made these choices for me. Today, having children of my own I see myself doing exactly that of my parents teaching. Hmmm, funny how this turned out and like the phrase goes "only time will tell"...

Tick-tock, tick-tock, the life hour glass

Today, our multi-tasking world requires so much of us in our everyday life. Do you have enough time on your hands? I see many comments on Facebook saying I wish there were more hours in a day, I know me too... I've used this line many times before. The reality is- in my opinion, are the very facts that sometimes we do not plan accordingly in a given day that is tight with needed responsibilities to get done. Then the frustration sets in, the impatience and for some reason, you see everyone else as incompetent or too slow...Hurry up, geez- can't this be any slower?

Needless to say, we all have had our moments and yet because of the lifestyle today, we feel that everyone must be in the "zone", your-- my zone!  Time is ever so precious yet we squander it on occasions and may not even notice life slipping away, tick-tock, tick-tock, but that is for everyone to figure out for themselves, I just wrote this to remind me of how precious time really is...

Call me hypocrite, but hear what I have to say!

On my last post I confronted the notion of being self employed versus that of being employed through another.  Yes, there is my hypocritical slap in the face, but hear me out and then you be the judge.

Self employment proved to be exciting, fun and freedom as you know it could be, but let alone the frustrations, headaches, and keeping sanity was an all time high. Only because you work for yourself and the finances are not regular, they are up or down.

Whereas, being employed has its benefits and set backs too. Now I must conform to a schedule, a routine, a result-driven ambiance while being conservative. Possible, but challenging... I wake each morning thinking what day would bring at the new position I hold by being employed. Time is now a factor, I am no longer prone to being the free bird I once was for several months, but then again, I have income, regular income to satisfy the bills I am responsible for. Yet let alone, my daily routine has not changed much, I still do the errands, pick up the kids from school, but this time I rush back to the office where it was once an easier path, no rush take your time, my self employment work will still be there.

Today, two jobs are at hand by me. I am trying to see how this all goes together, not an easy task, but doable, the question is can I continue to do this? Was I a hypocrite? Yes I was, but with reason... hehehe!