A Daddy's Pride

It was not until last night where I let go of what I held in for so long. I broke down in tears after a few hours of deep thought on how much I am missing with the raising of my children. I am distant and yet so near, but several factors hinder my presence with them.

I see what my father went through, I am living it and now I know the pain. This is no joy ride, this is reality. It struck me hard as I don't want to be without them, but that is something that I cannot undo. I am a dad, not just a father...

This explains my unexplained despondency once in a while. Yesterday, on Face Book I wrote, I am "trying to find solace and tranquility" and then after I "cannot understand"... It is the feeling

in me for days. As the first tear rolled down my face, a river followed. I watched videos of the children on my phone as they laughed and shared their true self, no hidden agenda, just them in their imperfect form. This was a weekend atop the hill at the American Memorial Park, where Donny, Hope, Jayvier, Wayannie and Wade rolled down the hill from where we placed a mat and a coolers with refreshments to enjoy. Such laughter and joy on that particular brought my heart to feeling the pain of where am I in their lives, where do I stand as their dad? My sister says "I am sorry, but that is something you will have to learn to endure, they know who their dad is and they know what truly happened".

The weekend nears and I get to see them for a few hours on Friday evening, at least the four. I will enjoy every minute of it, I will make the best of the limited time I will have with them. I hope this will cure my despondency. A daddy's pride is subject to being tested just like everything else, and yes I can say it is not easy living through this ordeal. I truly love my family, I love my wife, I just wished I had all of them everyday with me....