A Daddy's Pride

It was not until last night where I let go of what I held in for so long. I broke down in tears after a few hours of deep thought on how much I am missing with the raising of my children. I am distant and yet so near, but several factors hinder my presence with them.

I see what my father went through, I am living it and now I know the pain. This is no joy ride, this is reality. It struck me hard as I don't want to be without them, but that is something that I cannot undo. I am a dad, not just a father...

This explains my unexplained despondency once in a while. Yesterday, on Face Book I wrote, I am "trying to find solace and tranquility" and then after I "cannot understand"... It is the feeling

in me for days. As the first tear rolled down my face, a river followed. I watched videos of the children on my phone as they laughed and shared their true self, no hidden agenda, just them in their imperfect form. This was a weekend atop the hill at the American Memorial Park, where Donny, Hope, Jayvier, Wayannie and Wade rolled down the hill from where we placed a mat and a coolers with refreshments to enjoy. Such laughter and joy on that particular brought my heart to feeling the pain of where am I in their lives, where do I stand as their dad? My sister says "I am sorry, but that is something you will have to learn to endure, they know who their dad is and they know what truly happened".

The weekend nears and I get to see them for a few hours on Friday evening, at least the four. I will enjoy every minute of it, I will make the best of the limited time I will have with them. I hope this will cure my despondency. A daddy's pride is subject to being tested just like everything else, and yes I can say it is not easy living through this ordeal. I truly love my family, I love my wife, I just wished I had all of them everyday with me....

Trying to find solace and tranquility...

Help!!!! I see a difficult path ahead and yet I stumble each time I take a different turn. What's got into me? This is not me in the usual optimistic, smiling, happy go lucky kind of guy. I've been feeling tired, stressed, unwanting to endure a good time, what is it? Is it the weather? is it my diet? Is it just me, am I making this feeling up?

It's been a while...Rambling off Now!

Yup, it's been a while since my last post, I've been busy, busy and so busy. What as happened that inspires me, well I must stop writing about speeding officers past me on the road as it occurred another 4 times since my last post on them, the job is hectic, yet rewarding when accomplishments are seen, life still throws curve balls, but definitely and indication that I am living and people around me...Let's go there for this post...PEOPLE.

The saying of six degrees of separation, how uncanny of this notion to be so true that when you least expect it, the person you knew through a friend is someone that will make or change the path you thought you were on, of course this sounds philosophical, yet if you really think about it, it is there and you don't always see it, bt it is there changing you, your movement, your path... What?? Do we live in the matrix? Well what is the matrix??? Let's not go there...

Back to PEOPLE, how do you see others around you? One person told me today, Wayne, you are too nice and yet people who see you for who you are treat you nice and then trample on you only because they think they can...I smiled and responded, Karma has it's ways...One day, when I find out of what had transpired, they will get theirs ten folds...I am patient and understanding, but push me far enough and I will let go of all that I know to be humble, yeah, yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah, sure many would say whatever Wayne and that's only because I am different today. The people around me, the influence, the strength of positive actions lead to my being the way I am.

I like who I am, I like the people around me, they make or break you and its choices that lead us to how we wish to live our lives. Love your family, love your wife or hubby, what else would matter?